1. The Truth Is

    OK, I cant help not saying this out loud—which I cannot—so I write it down instead. This is about last week-end I spent in three different cities, but no—hell no—that is not the highlight I’m bringing up here.

    Saturday morning, no plan, something under my consciousness triggered me to instant-message a friend from the past. OK, it’s a bit unfair to call this person that way yet it’s overrated to call him more than that.

    The convo went smooth and lasted a lot longer than I thought it would. It was started by a stupid small talk, really. No intention to build another bridge between us. Surprisingly, it run for more than 12 hours—although not precisely that long since I was on the way and didn’t always reply right away.

    We talked about friends, life, us—both our past and present. Though it’s mostly him who proposed new subject to talk about, it’s me who spiced it up, adding things he didn’t think I was aware of. Effortlessly, as effortless as talking with bestfriend, one thing led to another, speaking one’s mind up—somehow offensively. There were times, more than once, that I felt like he punched me right in the face. I was shocked that this one could talk to me that way after, wait, 7 years of “silence”? Whoa I didn’t imagine it’s been this long, even more, I thought IT was over long time ago. No turning back. What’s done is done. In fact it wasn’t our first attempt but our previous convos run dry and I chose to leave it and step ahead.

    Yes, it was weird. I didn’t understand how we did it again last Saturday. It should be awkward. It should be ended within less than 10 lines. He should not be interested in reviving our history. I should not be full of idiocy looking down my smartphone every time it beeped while having an über fun holiday. It should not happen. Yet it did. And everything happens for a reason.

    And this is his legendary question that took our convo deeper and deeper on the train from Solo to Jogja.

    Him: Whom are you with now?

    It was a trap, I know. He didn’t ask about who’s sitting beside me. It took times for me to answer, and I choose this word.

    Me: Emptiness.

    That word seemed like making him more curious about my state of being. Yea, and I wasn’t that stupid not to think that his next lines got “wings”. I got that signal. I just… Idk, reluctant? Being defensive? Or merely playing stupid, I guess.

    And guess what? I felt lost within when he stopped replying. It’s not about “who talk last”, it’s more about “did I say something wrong that made him lost his appetite to continue?” clause.

    Sunday not-so-morning I couldn’t help it, on my way from Jogja to Semarang I put a wall on my face and called him again. He answered but he got things to do, so he said sorry and would catch me later. He did catch me later.

    The talk goes like interview, I mean he looked surprised about things I said and asked me questions as if he’s my dad. When I told him to take it slow, he did it. NICELY. But it made the convo drained. I didn’t figure out why. This time it ended on him.

    Him: Haha.

    A bad laugh. And I chose not to keep going on, because it just didn’t feel right. Why that spark comes and go way too easily?

    It sucks, you know. To find back an old path you have left, you have forgotten, just to see it fade away one more time, in a wink. And I find myself fucked up because these three days after that stupid talk, I didn’t feel that “emptiness” anymore.

    I am scared. I am afraid. He was just nightmare. And I don’t wanna make the same mistake twice. But at the same time I am now not a kind of “nothing to lose”. What if the mistake I did 7 years ago wasn’t letting him in but letting him go? I kinda feel that way. Crap.

    God, I need help. I do. Cause the truth is, I don’t feel like giving him up this time. Man, I need the courage to go on, and maybe preparing some pain-killer pills just in case I’m going back with rejection.

  2. "Ada orang yang tidak kunjung menemukan jodohnya hingga tutup usia. Ada juga mereka yang menikah muda. Ada yang diam-diam cinta. Ada yang tebar sini-sana. Ada yang memendam perasaannya. Ada yang tidak berani untuk sekedar menyapa. Ada yang berusaha sekuat tenaga. Ada yang selalu berdoa. Ada yang pasrah saja. Ada yang salah duga. Perihal jodoh memang tidak selalu sederhana. Di antara itu semua, di manakah aku dan kamu berada?"
    *badumtss*
  3. Kxxxl

    Bego. Udah, itu aja.

  4. EASTERIA: SEMARANG DAY 1

    Setelah family gathering di Balikpapan-Samarinda-Tenggarong Januari lalu dan weekend gateway di awal Maret ke Bogor, sekarang long weekend-an ke Semarang. Di sini nginep di tempat Farah, sepupu yang anak Undip, di daerah Tembalang. Semacam Kutek-nya Undip lah.

    Berangkat naik kereta Menoreh, 110k idr. Dijemput Farah di Stasiun Tawang dan kita langsung cuss makan siang Mi Kopyok Pak Dhuwur di daerah Poncol. Isinya ada mi (pastinja), tahu, kerupuk kerak, lontong, dan toge disiram kuah entah apa itu tapi enak haha. Uniknya, sambelnya sambel kacang terus semprotan kecap manis di atasnya juga bikin rasanya makin kaya. Best shot, 8k idr aja sodara-sodari.

    Malamnya kita main ke Semarang bawah (Oh ya jadi kata Farah, Semarang ada tiga: atas, tengah, sama bawah). Kita itu gue, Farah, adek gue, dan temennya si Ew. Tujuan pertama kita makan eskrim jadul di Toko Oen. Sebenernya ga cuma eskrim sih di sini, ada kue kering, bolu2an, sampe main course.

    Gue pesen pavlova, eskrim vanilla dengan whipped cream dan meringue, 20k idr. Eskrimnya light bangetsss, susunya gak overlapping rasa vanillanya. Nyobain juga rasa stroberi dan kopi yang dipesen Farah sama adek gue, sensasinya sama. Eskrim stroberinya agak terlalu asem sih. Oh ya bonus katetong alias kue lidah kucingnya best, manisnya pas selera gue banget.

    Pindah ke loenpia Mbak Lien. Hmm gimana yah lumpia emang bukan favorit gue, jadi ya asal nyobain aja. Btw ternyata enak juga dimakan pake acar timun. Segerrr! 10k idr per piece, pretty expensive.

    Abis itu kita main di alun-alun Simpang Lima. Gemes banget sama baling-baling berlampu, can’t help myself buying one! 10k idr, maininnya diselepet ke udara terus dia terbang dan muter2 sambil nyala warna-warni sebelum mendarat di tanah. I was the happiest kid. Sedih banget pas pulang iseng mainin di depan kosan terus nyangkut di atep hiks :”

    Well that’s all for today. Besok rencananya mau ngebolang Solo-Jogja. Bangun pagiii jangan sampe kesiangan hap hap hap.

  5. My Stand Against that “Path” Girl who Stands Against Giving Priority Seats to Pregnant Women

    1. If you’re house is away from the railway station, it doesn’t mean all the people also have to. Your loss.
    2. You said that people didn’t know your story? Vice versa, darling, you didn’t know hers either. Stop acting like you’re the most miserable creature on the train (but your Path status somehow revealed that you really are. Deep condolences).
    3. I know, I really know how fucked-up it is the train in rush hour. Bye seats, bye personal space, bye bum, bye boobs, fuck you SNCF. It’s metaphorically one of those hells on earth. It’s slightly unbearable for us “singles”, moreover it is for them “doubles” with another life to save inside their tummy. Even though we don’t know if their children are gonna do something offensive against their mom someday, we’d better give them chance. I believe in hope!
    4. You said pregnant women better stay at home for the sake of comfortness? You might as well, girl, due to your legs. Take some day off and go back to work when they’re healed, will you?
    5. You choose to speak up, so do us. It’s like that old TV show titled “The Battle of Wits”. Bear with it.

  6. MADAFAKA

    Finding typos right after saying yes to print 4000 exps of books. No cancellation allowed. I feel like a sinner. Or worst—a dumb creature.

  7. Uncle Ben

    Hari ini sejarah, kali pertama naikin cetak dua novel sekaligus. Belajarnya banyak, stress-nya juga banyak. Seneng, sih, kali pertama masuk kredit sebagai penyunting setelah di buku pertama kemarin cuma co-ed. Tanggung jawab juga di gue kalo kenapa2 (ketok meja) karena isi di luar tanggung jawab percetakan, walau jujur gua lebih takut sama hasil fisik daripada materi ketik. Ternyata “don’t judge a book by its cover” nggak sepenuhnya berlaku di bisnis penerbitan. Mana tadi revisi sampul terakhir mepet banget deadline. I hate deadline that I used to love because of what happened today. Sigh. Gak lagi-lagi, Kak.

    Satu lagi yang gue cemasin adalah penjualan dan agaknya ini balik ke selera pasar. Semoga sampul dan sinopsisnya cukup untuk bikin orang penasaran dan splash some cash on them. Terus sinopsisnya gue yang bikin, tanggung jawabnya jadi dobel. Ternyata segini harganya recognition that I thirst for. Insecure ya kalo ngelempar karya mentah gini. Apa gue bakal suka sama sinopsisnya kalo gue liat itu di toko buku? Ngritik gampang, bikin yang bagus bisa gak lo, Nids?

    Tapi kata Uncle Ben, with great power comes great responsibility. Diliat dari responsibility-nya sih jobdesc ini jauh lebih besar dari yang beberapa bulan lalu itu. Alhamdulillah, anggap aja level greatness lo naik, Nids.

    Bismillah, doanya kali ini semoga cetak ulang dan syukur-syukur bisa ekranisasi. Aamiiin.

  8. Ngana pikir kitorang pe kerja cuma urus EYD ngana!?

    Ngana pikir kitorang pe kerja cuma urus EYD ngana!?

  9. "I will be your
    7 AM sleepy kisses
    8 AM French toast
    9 AM rushed goodbyes
    10 AM love calls
    11 AM daydreams
    12 PM lunch notes
    1 PM new email
    2 PM coffee break texts
    3 PM reminiscent thoughts
    4 PM longing
    5 PM drained love
    6 PM post-work hugs
    7 PM dinner companion
    8 PM wine bottle
    9 PM tango
    10 PM readying for bed
    11 PM bedtime stories
    12 PM Midnight Sonata
    1 AM confessions
    2 AM heavy snores
    3 AM morning sex
    4 AM driftless sleep
    5 AM frenzied fantasies
    6 AM rapturous sleep
    I will be your
    Clock."
    Grace C., Timepiece (via triumphofdesire)
  10. I FEEL LIKE I WANNA WRITE

    Yeah, I feel that way. These two months I spent my time judging, editing, revising those people’s writings. I miss writing on my own. I miss subtitling too sometimes but life goes on and I gotta be strong.

    I know that my East Borneo traveling review ain’t finished yet. I haven’t written anything about my Bogor trip with my nouveaux collegues. Not a single word about my birthday—hey people I’m now 23 and single and I’m okay (or not, whatevs). And last week-end I witnessed the most enjoyable Paragita—student choir at my uni—annual concert ever. And many little yet significant things that might happen in my life recently.

    But then again, the classic story. The more you need to do, the less you manage to get done.

    I just feel like I wanna write. And however this is a writing (sorry, I’m not sorry). Sorry plans, I’m not commited to you. Maybe next time.

About me

I love puns. I love rhymes. Basically, I love words. And the beauty they possess. And the joy they bring. And the way they make me feel.

Likes